.iam.piscessoul.

...respect is just the minimum...

4.14.2005

cobwebs.and.butterflies

i cleaned half of my room on sunday. amidst many pauses. breaks to check my email. breaks to talk on the phone and just overall procrastination, it took me all day. ALL day to clean HALF my room. note: my room is not that big. at about 9pm on sunday night when i was finally done, i took a step back and looked at my work with admiration. my immediate thought...i need to do the same with certain aspects of my life. my second thought..how long before it gets messy again? my third thought...how many months before this procrastinator cleans the other half?

spring is here. i'd become tired of ranting about how much i despise winter. now i can discuss how much i love spring..fall and summer too.

my theme for the year thus far has been cleaning out the cobwebs in my life. but then the polkaroo popped in and convoluted a lot of shit that i thought i had settled. as always, for the brief moment that he was back in my life, i felt butterflies. but he pulled the expected disappearing act, leaving me as disappointed as i was 3 years ago. questioning the necessity of this interaction.

i'm at the point where i just want to say leave me alone...just let me move on. like i said, i had accepted the fact that he wasn't in my life. but here i am mulling over the situation again. iselfra suggested love, my friend questioned whether he was 'the one'. it's funny but those are things i can't even consider because he doesn't stick around long enough for us to establish any longevity. i've got to agree with my friend, he is my 'mr.big' (if you watch Sex & the City, you'll understand this reference). i've never cried over a man before, but i came very close this weekend. i'm upset because there was so much i wanted to say, to question but our interaction followed the same path it has in the past. he appeared. flickered. i blinked. cleared my vision, and just when i realized he was there and reached out to touch him and he reached back. he was gone.

maybe i need to hit Bump 'n Hustle or go shopping this weekend to distract myself from him.

i'm searching for distractions. i joined the hiphop feminism yahoo group but haven't contributed anything. right now, i'm finding it very intersting to read the varying thoughts and i'm anticipating reading the minutes from the Hip Hop & Feminism Conference that was held in Chicago. i'm not exactly a 'hip hop feminist' blogger (i just love music), so we'll see how and where i'm able to contribute.

i'm planning to start going to a few brazilian jiu jitsu classes offered by kimonogirl and i'm trying to support one of my girls who's on a quest to lose weight by going rollerbladding with her a couple times a week. now that i'm working full time, i have a lot of free time that i didn't have before when i was in school. so my search for distractions isn't just related to him but after speaking to him i was left contemplating other things that i can involve myself in.

this has been way too long and overly centred on him. but i needed to get this out of my system and make a valid attempt to push him further into the back of my consciousness, establish an acceptance that he is who he is and our relationship is what is is. i would rather have him as a friend than to not have in in my life at all.

rotating...Vivian Green: Vivian

3 Comments:

  • At Sun Apr 17, 12:23:00 AM EDT, Blogger Shuttabugg said…

    I joined the list too! Speak to you there...

     
  • At Mon Apr 18, 08:34:00 AM EDT, Blogger obifromsouthlondon said…

    dude is on some "when it suits me" shit. I ain't a saint and I've gone that route many a time in the past. shit sometimes it's suited both of us. always seems sophisticated and non-committal (as if!) but it's bullshit. someone always feels guilty. the other gets hurt. really wish I could proper blog about the past sometimes - to many skeletons.

    don't let the best part of your life pass you by (like that girl did the pharcyde). you have to dark polka up. like cut dude off completely. seriously. some shit the soul don't need. man has to cater for you in the mental and in the physical or else it's a half ting.

    brazilian jiu jitsu? n***a please. feedback when u start the classes though.

    closet done and dusted

     
  • At Mon Apr 18, 06:55:00 PM EDT, Blogger piscessoul said…

    obi.one: thanks for you help with 'dusting'. funny thing that i did not mention is that he lives miles (and miles) away now. so there's physical attraction but no physical action. which is why it used to confuse me that he maintains periodic contact. i know i got to let him go; however, not completely because he is a wonderful person. i'm content with the fact that we remain friends. i've exhaled..vented..and life goes on.

     

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