who knows what tomorrow brings?

in the last few weeks the one thing i have heard repeated over and over again is that we are nothing in this world. something i always knew but i guess my cousin's death helped solidify that for me and other members of my family.

i've mentioned before (when speaking about my father and my grandfather) how much i fear not only growing old but dying. but my cousin's death and the strange things that we (his family) have seen after his death also leaves me questioning whether as that time draws near do we know. do we begin to realize that our time is coming? my cousin wasn't sick...he wasn't ill...he didn't live a reckless life. far from it. strangely enough, in the weeks that followed as my aunt went through his things, more and more it seems like he had made peace within himself and was at that point where he was ready should death have been ready for him; and it obviously was. we found a poem that he wrote before he passed...not sure of the date...but the poem closes with the words...."take me now father for i am happy". in another poem he says "i will not fear the future. i will remember the past. i will live the present". reading these words was strangely eerie but at the same time comforting because it helped soothe just a little to know that he was happy and was at peace.

i'm usually not a morbid person. i try not to dwell on death and i hate funerals and hospitals. i avoid both as much as i possibly can. in the last few weeks i feel like i dropped into a mini state of depression. from the time that i first got the news my emotions fluctuated between anger and sadness; further intensified by the fact that i could not attend the funeral because i couldn't get the time off from work. but i took a little trip this past weekend and feel like i finally have closure.

the date of his death and the events surrounding it will never be forgotten and he will live in my heart/memory forever.

i know he rests in peace
09/08/06