.iam.piscessoul.

...respect is just the minimum...

2.27.2005

"Every breath contains our greatest fear-that there may not be another, and our greatest joy-that there is."

i've realized that my greatest fear is growing old.

my grandfather is about 95. essentially, he is in good health. a vegetarian who up to last year lived on his own and went for daily walks (regardless of the weather). i remember being in my first year of university and living in an area that was about a 30-45 minute bus ride from his apartment. there was a really horrible snow storm, so much so that most businesses were closed and my classes had been cancelled. i sat at home, curled up in front of the television, enjoying the day off when the doorbell rang. i was immediately confused because with the way that the weather was brewing, i doubted that even deliveries would be occuring. i opened the door to see my grandfather, who had probably just turned 90 at that time, standing on the doorstep covered in snow bundled up to the point that only his eyes were visible. i ushered him in questioning what the hell he was doing outside in weather like this. he held up a plastic grocery bag, offering it to me saying, "i brought you some apples, i thought you would like them". touched, i tried to convince him to stay instead of trudging back out in the storm. however, he insisted that he had to go immediately because he had to reuse his bus transfer (he didn't want to have to pay a second fare).

i will always remember that moment. that is perhaps one of my strongest memories of my grandfather in his prime.

fastfoward to present day, i now look at my grandfather almost daily with tears in my eyes.

they say he's 'travelling'. that he's in that 'in between' phase of life and death. he sees and hears things/people (that none of us see), these 'demons' haunt him. so much so, that he's taken to fighting with them verbally and on one occasion, physically. he's exhibiting classic signs of dementia but listening carefully to the conversations he has with these individuals, they are people he's known in his life. he's spoken of his dead daughter, pleading that St. Michael watch over her. he's spoken of her ex-husband, a man he despised. he's cried about his funeral and the coffin that was chosen and has described being 'chased' by this coffin.

i love my grandfather, but i know that in his prime he was a ruthless, arrogant man whom many disliked. with his age, he softened. i've heard my father and his brothers remark that the man that we see now is a total opposite from the business man that my grandfather was. he was a trinidadian victor newman. heartless at times, but doing what needed to be done to provide for his family and to make and keep a dollar. it seems that this is all coming back to haunt him now. i've heard the stories of how he treated my aunt, his only daughter; and she is the one who apparently haunts him the most.

over the last year, these voices have become louder and louder. he's deteriorated to the point where he can no longer live on his own not just because we fear for him but also because he's now become fearful that 'they'll come for him while he's alone'. we've had him seen by numerous doctors who all come back with the same conclusion: medically he's in the best possible health he could be; they feel that his 'condition' is not one that is medical but instead one that is spiritual/religious. and you know how scientific doctors can be, so if they've made these comments; then what else could it be?

i have so many questions for him, answers i need before he passes. something that i know is coming upon us sooner that we had all anticipated. but obtaining these answers is made even more difficult by the fact that he has become deaf in his old age. i look at him, sitting on the couch. screaming at the demons, cursing the demons. and there are tears in my eyes.

how will i deal with getting to that age? more importantly, will i get to that age?

2.23.2005

show.and.tell.


  • sorry ladies, but Ronnie's pointing at me here. This was just one of our many moments.



  • Michael Bivens & my other love, Ralph



  • **singing** if it isn't love..why does it feel this way..why does she stay on...my mind...


rotating...is there any question? N.E. Heartbreak

2.22.2005

guilt.

there were a few moments last night, as ralph looked deeply into my eyes and sang to me that i felt a sense of guilt. i'm not selfish 'mr. sensitivity', i'll share you with the world. i think that some of the other females in attendance were getting a tad jealous.

then, on top of that.
while ralph was singing to me, i couldn't keep my eyes off of ronnie. i felt like i was secretly betraying ralph and the relationship that we've established over the years.

new edition put on a great show.
even if it was last minute and at a venue i despise.

i fell in love with New Edition all over again tonight.
full synopsis will follow (if i remember) but right now, it's 2am and i'm still buzzing off of hearing them perform "Can U Stand the Rain" live!!!!! but i've got to get some sleep so that i'm actually alert and at work in 5 hours.

and yes, i have pictures which i will post later (if i remember) that will provide confirmation that Mr. Tresvant is still sexy and just as sexy in person.

2.10.2005

the miseducation of piscessoul

i've been misinformed.
somewhere along the lines of life, i thought that what friends do is support. that if you have good fortune, they're there to cheer you on. and if you have misfortune, they're there to lend support.
i will repeat, i've been misinformed.
picture it a group of friends having a casual night out at a restaurant. reminiscing on life, the good old days, blah blah blah. so anyways, on the topic of life. one 'friend' talks about her hopes for 2005 because the last couple years have been relatively shitty for her. please understand the ms. soul has been there in every capacity for this 'friend'. financially, emotionally....there.

yet, this so called friend at the end of her tirade states that she believes everyone needs to have a bad year especially people like ms. soul who've never had a bad year. (?!?!? wtf ?!?!?) there i was, minding my own business. sipping on my 3rd or 4th glass of wine in and out between the table conversation and my own thoughts. happy. content. a little high. when it hit me, basically, my 'friend' wants to see me struggle as supposedly i've never had to do so (in her opinion).

i won't pretend that i haven't had a good enough life. but i think i worked hard for a lot that i have. when i had to do it, i was working 3 jobs and going to school part time. yes, my parents paid for my first year of university because i couldn't get a loan or approved for OSAP. but once my second year hit and they saw i was working, each and every bill was addressed to me. every item in my room was purchased by me with my hard earned money. last year alone, i went through 4 or 5 jobs, trying to find something i like doing. i went through years without health care benefits because i didn't have a full time job and couldn't affod to buy health insurance. there are many who've had it harder than me, but i'm grateful for all that i have and all that i've accomplished. i would think that as a friend, she would be happy for me too. instead, i get comments like the ones noted above.

there are so many other issues i could go into where this 'friend' is concerned, but i won't because i'm tired and my new year's promise to myself was to brush shit like this off and keep moving.

so after venting...i'm breathing...and moving on....


rotating...Madlib: Mind Fusion Vol. 1

2.06.2005

what's going on?

jan.25 seems like just yesterday, yet it was 13 days ago. 2 whole weeks. which is good, because it means that winter is flying by and before i know it, it'll be spring. as i say this, my fingers are crossed and i am intensely hoping that there won't be anymore snow.

it's super bowl sunday and as i've admitted before i really don't care who wins or loses but i sure as hell will be at a superbowl party today - for me, it's all about the food. (however, if you were to see skinny little me, you wouldn't believe that).

i've got a lot to do before heading out to the party, so here's the quick update...

moms is in trinidad. so are many of my friends. i'm intensely jealous. but i cover it up by saying i hate 'em all. after all, they don't realize that they're missing the best part of winter. snow, ice, slush, slush, snow, cold, cold, snow JOY!!

moving on...

i have a crush. sort of similar to the one ms.keys talks about in 'you don't know my name' but not going as far as the fantasizing that is shown in the video. just a crush. i might be considered too old for crushes so i'll say instead, there's someone i see daily on my commute to work who i've been admiring from afar. we get on and get off at the same stop and sit in close proximity to each other during the 20 minute train ride. i'm intensely shy, so i doubt i'll ever work up the nerve to speak to him, instead i'll continue to just admire.

i must show respect to mr. espinet for remembering to host the party that i love to attend. the party that i raved about back in august, SOUL KITCHEN took place on January 28th. it was even better this time, in fact i'll go as far as saying it was the best ever. my two favorite dj's of Sound Quest played amazingly set after set. I spread the word about this one and the next day, my phone couldn't stop ringing as the people i had invited couldn't stop raving about what a fabulous time they had. it's become a rarity in the toronto night life lately, but for once, it was all about the music. i'm hearing rumors that the next installment of Soul Kitchen will be going down on March 4th (yeahhhhhhh, so that means i'll be celebrating my birthday with some soul!!!). my only worry is that the promoter is trying to maintain the hype from the last edition. usually there is an interval of months between each installment (for example the last SK was in August and the one that followed was this one in January...5 month interval). now, after having such a good response to this one he's not wasting any time and is throwing another one in March. i'm worried. i don't want this party to become played out. i don't want too many people to know about one of toronto's best kept secrets. is that selfish? regardless, i will be celebrating my birthday at the next installment if it is happening on March 4th. and i will be keeping my fingers crossed that ian and the boys of sound quest can match how great the january 28th edition was. i guess we'll see.

rotating...Martin Luther: Rebel Soul Music
anticipating...turning 21 for the 6th time on March 2nd.