vexation.

is that a word..vexation? if it isn't..it will be today for the purposes of this post. so here's the update...(tho there isn't much to say).

i'm feeling the winter blahs (i think i've made it clear on a few occasion through out this blog that i despise winter), but my spirits are lifting because the snow in my backyard is slowly disappearing and now when i arrive home from work it's actually still bright outside. so things are looking up.

i peeped the john legend show last night. my 'vexation' is applicable here. i left home (already late) was just about to turn onto the highway when i realized that i had left my camera at home. quick uturn and i sped back home rushed inside grabbed the digicam and hopped back in the car to meet up with my friend. 30 minutes later as we are parking and doing the standard female pre-purse check before exiting the car, something told me to do a quick test of the cam. would you believe that neither batteries nor sd memory card were inside??!?!?! vexation. increased vexation, since i just spent over an hour tearing up my house looking for the memory card and still can't find it.

now, let me duck to avoid any stones that may be thrown before saying this. the show was weak. if we're looking at hotness, it was lukewarm in my opinion. my old ass was tired before he even got on stage and standing amidst the rest of the crowd, i found my eyes drooping on many occasions. i got the feeling that a large percentage of the crowd was there because the show had been promoted on flow. but, who am i to judge. my tiredness was increased by the long interval between the opening act (matisse) and when mr. legend finally decided to come on stage and do his thing. i found the show boring and the crowd had minimal energy (probably because everyone else was tired of waiting as well). in one word...lukewarm.

moving on. as always, i need to vent a little bit.

i mentioned him over a year ago. Here it is, just when i thought i had forgotten about him and had purged him from my system. he does what he seemingly does best, pops back in for a minute. i'd be lying if i said i didn't want him in my life. i do. truthfully, i wish he was in my life. i've become comfortable with the truth..which is that he is the reason that there isn't 'someone' in my life. everyone i meet, gets compared to him and somehow, no one seems to be measuring up. but the fact is that he isn't in my life...this is something i've accepted. so it puzzles me why these yearly polkaroo type reminders even occur. each time it initiates the same thing...the wondering of what could have been. *sigh* i do believe this is just cause for a blunt.

rotating...that Kev Brown Mixtape

let's see...

Who Links To Me.

some more.

chances are rather slim that i will be attending any of these shows. however, someone needs to go so they can tell me about it.









ok i lied. i'm hoping to maybe attend john legend and (fingers crossed) slum village. john legend is looking like a definite, because it's r&b and i can coerce my girls into attending. slum village is a 'maybe i should hang with the fellas' because none of my girls will be interested. sad but true. i'm an outsider in my own circle where some of my musical tastes are concerned. *le sigh*

i lack purpose

All i'm here to say is this is a dope video.

that's all folks.

reflection eternal

after spending the weekend contemplating and once again coming to the realization that there are some changes that need to occur in my life, I began a new book today.

on friday night, i saw hitch. (side note: who would've thought our little fresh prince would have evolved into such a sex object). listening to the speech in which he basically calls out all women and puts us on blast for limiting ourselves and not being approachable was self revealing. i can admit, that is so me. i am standoffish, i have that 'black girl grill' when necessary and i sadly can admit, that there are many men who've approached who i have brushed off only to think later on, hmmm maybe i should have given him a chance. i could bring forth many excuses to explain why, but there is no excuse. yes, there are some rotten apples out there BUT i know that there are some golden apples and chances are i've brushed off a couple of them. change is needed.

by sunday, i had concluded that come april 1st, 2005, change would be implemented. no more junk food, limited drinking/smoking, join a gym, drink more water and just become more healthy overall. i've been saying this for a while now. procrastination: another area for change.

then, today i began reading angel kyodo williams' book, "being black". as i began the second chapter the following words jumped out at me: if there ever comes a time when you feel like you have to go someplace to find a better you and you're going any farther than the mirror, don't take another step. as long as you are looking toward anything but yourself, you'll always be headed in the wrong direction she goes on to say don't ever think that you have to figure out how to leave some parts of yourself behind or that you have to become a certain way first

sitting on the train, i reread those lines a couple of times. hit by their truthfulness. thinking about not only myself but family and friends, i sat wondering why it's so hard to acknowledge such a simple fact.

taken into context, i know that i still have lifestyle changes to make. but i need to look at me and accept me first. i know that once i do that everything else will come a whole lot easier.

i've had this book for over a year now. it's so ironic that today was the day that i actually began reading it. i'm a firm believer that everything that happens, happens for a reason. so let's see where this leads.

rotating...Big Pooh: Sleepers
anticipating...implementing change

seriously random

sometimes throughout the day, something will happen or someone will say something and i'll think to myself shyt..gotta write about that one in my blog. but occasional weed smoker that i am, by the time i get home and log on to this cancer emitting box...i've forgotten all the things i had pinpointed to blog about.

that's what happened today. i came home from work with a nagging feel that there was something i wanted to speak on but i can't remember what it is.

so instead, i present randomness:

This is so sad. as i was hearing about it on the news it left me wondering what could have possibly driven him to even attempt to take his daughter's life. f*ck the fact that you and your wife are having problems, there's no excuse. a 5 year old isn't controlling the fact that your marriage is messed up. given the drop from the bridge onto the highway and the simple fact that it happened on the highway, it truly is a miracle that this litte girl survived. i'm desperately hoping she's able to pull through.

sometimes, i think i must have a sign pinned to my forehead saying 'crazy people talk to me, please'. a few weeks back while waiting for the train, this woman approaced me and started talking to me about the fact that she's retiring and she can't wait, and the raptors suck, blah blah blah. i put on this blank look on my face and pretending to be listening. last week while going to get my daily starbucks fix, i was halfway down the escalator when a homeless lady rushed down towards me and handed me her suitcase and asked me to carry it down for her. i was so shocked that i actually held it for a minute and then dropped it and ran. then, today on the ttc while trying to catch a nap between stations another crazy proceeded to sit down beside me and tap me on my leg (waking me up) to ask me who did my hair and then when i brushed her off, she continued to ask if i could give her a quarter. i must have some sort of internal magnet. i need to find it and get rid of it or deactivate it or something.

the birthday weekend was superb. drinks on wednesday. a friend cooked me dinner on thursday. partied (and got a little bit tipsy) on friday. partied again on saturday. rested on sunday.

the 'bro was on point with his bday gifts. i'm enjoying reading the B.I.G. book and that Eric Roberson cd has been on continuous play since i got it.

toronto police wants residents to get more proactive. so they're educating us on how to spot a grow op.

i saw my mystery man outside of our morning training ride during my lunch break while rushing back to work (i was a tad late). but shyness overcame me and i averted my eyes.

john legend, here i come!

and finally, support t.o. hip hop events:







check ramosent for more details

26

happy birthday to me.
as usual, it was just another day.
the most touching moment of my day came when i arrived home, went to greet my grandfather good evening and he welcomed me with a booming happy birthday. i'm touched, because despite the dementia he remembered.

i received much needed reading material as gifts.
i mentioned a few months back that now that i commute to work i've rekindled my love for reading. so, i received two Sophie Kinselle books (because i can so relate to Becky Bloomwood) and an autographed copy of Cheo Hodari Coker's B.I.G. book. And of course, the bro' hooked up music: Eric Roberson presents The Vault Vol. 1.5.

there were no birthday greetings from my pops. strange, you'd think we live in separate houses. it saddens me, but i continue to be stubborn and so does he. but i'm not even going to touch on that soap opera.

that's it...that's all: my birthday blunt is calling.

you can hate me now.

black people all over are going to hate me for saying this, so i'm going to keep this short and sweet. i'm upset that jamie foxx won best actor. yes, i said it. so go ahead and commence with the hate mail and leave your comments below.

ray was a good movie, but it wasn't great or excellent. yes, jamie did a good impersonation of ray charles throughout the movie, but overall is he a superb actor deserving of an oscar at this stage in his career? no, not in my opinion. perhaps, he would have eventually achieved that greatness but now, with oscar in hand, he already appears to believe that he is great.

after winning his oscar, denzel did an interview and made a comment along the lines of the fact that receiving the oscar doesn't necessarily mean that your current flick (in his case, training day) held your best performance; it is instead a recognition of your achievement over the years. when denzel strolled up to that stage to pick up that award he deserved it. he had earned it. right now, there are so many other actors who i think have reached that point of achievement where they've earned that type of respect. unfortnately, right now, jamie isn't one of them. i'm not hating on him, i still respect him and how he went about preparing for his role in ray. but to see jamie foxx receive an oscar for best actor ahead of people like morgan freeman and james earl jones and billy dee williams. look at how long someone like al pacino had to wait; it wasn't till his fifth nomination that he actually walked to that stage to receive an oscar for best actor. yetm he earned it.

it feels like they're trying to shut us up. i guess hearing us whine about the fact that denzel deserved that oscar for other great roles has gotten tired, so jamie got an oscar to pacify us.

don cheadle was also nominated in this category for his role in hotel rwanda. a movie that had me in tears, which gripped me so much more than ray did. but then why would we want to recognize a movie that brings to light so much that they want us to forget?

rotating...Nuyorican Soul
anticipating...celebrating my born day tomorrow, hard to believe i'll be 26