too much time to think...[is that possible..yes!!]

Today was another snow day!! The thing about snow days is that they start off great because you experience that initial excitement of knowing you're going to get away with staying at home doing nothing all day. However, half way through the day boredom kicks in. That's exactly where I was at by about 1pm today. I had exhausted the internet, I was tired of sitting on the phone saying nothing and after watching another Cosby Show rerun...television became another blah! All in all, if used correctly a snow day becomes an excellent day to reflect because there's nothing else to do except mull over nonsensical thoughts.

But my thoughts today weren't really nonsensical [atleast not in my opinion]. It began with an email I received from an old friend whom I wish I could have gotten to know better before he moved. This is a sample of my train of thought....

o/ How is it that certain people know just what to say?
o/ How is it possible that even miles away someone can still make your heart flutter (just a little) ?
o/ How is it possible that someone who was in my life for such a brief moment could have had such a profound effect? Permanently elevating my expectations and pretty much ruining me whereby I refuse to settle for anything less than the image he presented to me.

So much more has been running through my brain...but I'll stop because I think that presents a general idea of what I've been thinking about all day today.

I've never been in a serious relationship. I've had my share of flings...situations...friends..whatever you want to call it. But I've never really been serious with anyone in all of my 24 [ummm....25] years. I guess, part of self discovery is asking myself WHY - which I've attempted to do before. I've come up with excuses, but none that I feel are justifiable answers. Ultimately, I truly believe that it's a combination of fear + stubbornness. Fear of getting hurt, fear of being treated like some of the dumb girls I hear my brother and his friends and my cousins and my male friends talking about. But for some reason he had left me thinking of the possibility of taking a chance. He challenged me and intrigued me more than anyone I've ever known. It's just unfortunate that he isn't physically here for me to express all of the above to him and possibly..............[who knows?? maybe, anticipate more].....

For the first time in the longest while, nothing has been "rotating..." today. [It's now 7pm and usually music is a constant in this house whether from myself or my brother tinkering with his records]. I've been overly caught up in the thoughts above. But I think I've been online too long right now.....It's just sunk in that there hasn't been music in the house today and I think hearing some might make me feel better.....

about to rotate.....Meshell Ndegeocello 'Bitter' nahhh, too depressing. I'll spin Dwele 'Subject' instead
eagerly anticipating....Trinidad in 21 days and getting my Kobayashi cd tomorrow [hopefully].....

snow day!!!!!!

Ha! I just checked my email and found out that my night class got cancelled. Grrrrrrrreat. Especially since I wasn't going anyways. (note: snow days are one of the few positives about winter in Canada). I got home from work and spent much needed time in the house by myself....and then they (the parents) came home. They haven't stopped calling my name unnecessarily since they walked through the door. I think they just like the sound of my silent response. Perhaps it tickles them...maybe, they think that annoying me will get me out of this house quicker....HA!! They don't know...I ain't going nowhere, I'm comfortable for now.

On my way home, I made the mistake of picking up Krispy Kremes. Yuck!! I have no idea why I did that. I ate one 3 hours ago and I can still feel the sugar slowly rotting my teeth even after vigorously brushing my teeth. I have a diet problem. I don't eat any red meat, I avoid chicken unless there's nothing else at home to eat (which is quite often), I love seafood in general and veggies and fruits. The problem is I don't can'tdon't (sounds better) cook. Which wouldn't be that big of a problem if I didn't live in a house of carnivores. My brother eats anything that can fit on a plate and thinks that the bloodier the better. My pops tells me he doesn't discriminate; and my mom (typical Trinidadian that she is) feels that every dish needs a little bit of salt meat (read: pork) just to give it a little flavour. My doctor has also forbidden me to cut meat out of my diet completely because I've been anemic on and off for most of my life.

Last night's menu was spaghetti. Moms knows I wouldn't touch it if she had made it with beef so she made it with ground chicken. Thinking, it couldn't be that bad I decided to be a bit adventurous and taste it. ..............uggggggggggggggghhhh. I felt sick for the rest of the night. I've gotten to the point (since I don't eat beef or pork or chicken regularly) where when I do eat it, I actually feel sick. I went shopping with a friend in the summer and we were looking for a quick bite to eat and after hours of convincing (and the consideration that all I had left after shopping was $3) she ushered me into McDonald's to purchase a cheeseburger which happened to be on their dollar menu that day. BIG MISTAKE!! One bite and that cheeseburger was wrapped right back up and deposited into the garbage. What a waste of a $1.14.

I know it's a simple solution - start cooking for myself and I won't have this problem. Believe me, I've tried. In fact, I actually like grocery shopping. I'm a regular midnight customer at Sobey's. I just always seem to find myself on the go without enough time to stop and spend time in a kitchen preparing a meal. It's just easier to stop off and grab something or swing by a friend's house who's cooked.

So all this time spent typing on my glorious snow day as resulted in this conclusion: New Year's Resolution No. 2,229 - No more buying food on the go. Every morning I'm going to pack a lunch and snacks and munchies for work. Every night, I'm going to make it a point to come home and make dinner for myself.

Let's see how long it'll take me to break that resolution.

rotating...Esthero: Breath From Another
anticipating...Mos Def (i hear a new album is due in Feb.)

recap: Saturday Night

Last night was fun, but it brought with it realization that I am almost 25. In exactly 37 days, on March 2nd I will be 25.

So, last night I partied with my girls for the first time in months. I arrived late of course (only because I had a prior engagement). I didn't get to the club till about 12:45 pm. Now it was freezing last night (something like -20 celsius), and me trying to look cute ((and not wanting to risk getting my coat stolen from coat check)), shivered outside in the line by myself. As I stood there holding my arms as close to my body as possible, teeth chattering, knees knocking...I asked myself what the hell I was doing there. While I love music and dancing...the club scene in Toronto is ohh so tired (to me atleast). Probably because I was hitting half of these spots since I was like 16 and now almost 10 years later, it's all boring. There's no more excitement in getting ready to go, getting in, getting that first drink and seeing all the other regulars. In fact, I initially approached last night with a sense of dread as I got dressed ever so slowly and further procrastinated leaving the get together which I attended before leaving to meet my girls at this party (which also further contributed to my lateness).

By the time I got in (after arguing/flirting with that ever so sexy bouncer at the door who tried to pretend like one of my friends hadn't given him a ticket for me), coat check was full. So I stood in the sweatbox slowly warming up and eventually overheating as I contemplated what to do with my jacket. By the time I had decided to stash my jacket at the bar closest to our spot, I had consumed two tequila shots, a Coronna and half a Heineken. That marked the beginning of the end..... After being passed a blunt that was circulating, I knew that it would be a slow drive home.

I was in my own world as the music pulsated and I danced oblivious at moments to the unbearable heat. Despite my initial dread, I had thoroughly enjoyed myself.

I arrived home safely at 5 am...(obviously: since I'm here posting this today), and awoke at 3pm this afternoon. I love Sundays....next week I'll share with you why.

It's midnite. I started this post at 6 pm. But I got sidetracked and have only now gotten around to getting back online to actually post it.

rotating....Goapele: Even Closer
anticipating....Trinidad Carnival which is now 22 days away.

just got paid...friday night....

So, I'm on probation at work. My part time job that is. I got bills to pay, so I slave full time during the day, go to school part time and work part time at a hell hole.

32 lates for the year. Personally, I think there were more but they just stopped counting after a while. So...my supervisor came at me acting like she was really sorry to do this saying that HR told her that she has to give me a written warning. Why did she even try to sugar coat it? She knows that I know my attendance sux. She also knows that I'm only there on a part time basis because I need the money not because I like the job like half the other suckers in there.

So anyways, back to my original point (whatever that was)...I'm on probation. I have to improve my attendance or else they'll supposedly fire me. (Another load of crap because a friend of mine in the same department has been on probation for over 2 years now). But, I'll play along.

So, I'm home tonite because I start at 8 tomorrow morning. If I had gone to Amnesia and partied like I wanted to, I would have definitely been late in the morning. So, instead...I've alternated between television, the internet, the telephone, and my cds.

Ahhh, yes...my cds. I went to HMV last night because I needed a cd. Sometimes, people do not understand me when I say that I needed a cd. I can't even describe it, I just had the urge to hear something new, to purchase something new or even discover a new artist. It just gives me a huge sense of excitement. I must have been in there for over an hour. I kept harassing the dude at the info desk asking him to look up different artists in the computer. Not ONE damn cd that I was looking for was in the store. Amel Larrieux was supposed to be released on the 20th...why was there no record of that in their database?? SHYT!!! I know that the kid was getting aggravated so I eventually left him alone and just started looking around myself. I eventually picked up Wax Poetics' 'Nublu Sessions' and Goapele 'Even Closer' I left semi satisfied but extremely dissatisfied (is that possible?!? It has to be because that's how I felt).

enough rambling...good night...let's hope I'm on time in the morning.....

still anticipating...Amel Larrieux: Bravebird...
in the meantime rotating...Wax Poetics & Zero 7 'Simple Things feat. Mozez.

ps...i should've f#*&n' gone to Amnesia!!!

28 days and counting...

The winter blah's continue...
This week is slowly creeping by and I am counting down the days till I leave for Trinidad. Just 28 more days till I'll be basking in the sun enjoying Carnival. Believe me when I say I can't wait.

It's been an okay week so far. I'm doing 2 night courses to complete my certification. I'm interning right now at a private rehabilitation compant and I am learning so much every day. I've had two job offers in the past week, both at non profit community based agencies. One I worked at previously, but they're only offering a short contract and the other is only offering part time. Plus neither is focused in the direction that I think I want to go with my career. My only fear is that I'll regret these decisions later on in life. (I don't even want to say the word because my aim is to live life without regrets)...I figure though that these are the choices that life is made of. Remaining in the private field can be risky because ultimately I'll be an independent consultant and my workload will definitely fluctuate but so far it's definitely worth the risk. However, we'll see......

rotating....Bilal: First Born Second and...Verve Remixed

...it's almost midnight.....27 days and counting.....

guilt conscience?!?! I think not!!

Last night my celly rang and rang and rang. I have a habit of never turning it off because I want to see who's calling. I forgot I had promised a friend I would go to a club with her since her daughter was away for the weekend. But as I already mentioned, winter kept me home and my original plan that day was to go to When Sister's Speak which she would not have been interested in since that isn't her thing (read: she finds spoken word and live shows boring). So technically it's not my fault. Don't blame me, blame winter. Last night just wasn't the night to be confined to a sweaty club. And yes, I will tell her that when I eventuallly call her back.

So I spent Saturday night with popcorn, my duvet, my couch and a dvd my brother lent me titled 5 Conversations about Soul. The film features Jaguar Wright, George Clinton, ?uestlove and Julie Dexter. The subject matter and concept were both excellent. But the description didn't lie when they described it as a bootleg. Maybe the camera man was scared but his hand shook (and thus the camera shook...to the point were I thought I would have motion sickness) throughout almost every snippet of ?uestlove. Who knows, maybe he was intimidated by the 'fro....

...rotating...Anthony Hamilton: Coming from Where I'm From
...anticipating...Amel Larrieux: Bravebird

..winter kept me home on a saturday night....

Blah!!! I hate the winter!! I know hate is a really strong sentiment, but I've come to the conclusion that I definitely hate the winter and snow and slush and frozen cars and frozen doors, and salt that ruins my car, etc....etc.... I guess all the good weather that we've had up till now has spoiled us. My 5 year goal = move to a warm country!!!

Well, it's a Saturday night and this cold weather has me feeling reclusive. I am not leaving this house unless there's some kind of fire or major emergency. I was originally supposed to go to a show called When Sister's Speak which is usually an excellent spoken word show, but the thought of warming up a freezing car, bundling up, fighting through traffic to get downtown, searching for parking, pay for parking, pay $25 for admission and then coming out of the show to trudge back to the car and once again wait for it to warm up just did not appeal to me tonight. So as promised, I present me.....

Who is .piscessoul.??
(I'll give you the basics)
..location - toronto..
..sex - female..
..age - 24 [I turn 25 in a matter of months (March to be exact)]..
..eye color - dark brown..
..hair color - jet black (I got a big ole 'fro that I can't seem to tame)..
..background - my parents are from the island of Trinidad..
..education - York University..BA Psychology, CRS..
..focus - rehabilitation management..
..occupation - student [I just finished my last semester at University]..
..likes - You'll learn more about my likes & dislikes soon enough..

And the saga begins....

2004 has begun and this promises to be a year of many many changes for me. Hopefully, the year that will impact my future in terms of love, employment, friendship and finances among other things. But in all honesty life (as always) is unpredictable... So who knows what this year will bring.

Why am i here? What is the purpose of this spot? Lately, I've needed a medium which I can use to vent and express myself. From what I've seen so far, this should be the perfect outlet. I find that at times there are things that I am better able to express in writing than verbally.

So this is just the intro, the bio and my history will slowly emerge. (meaning: I'll post more information about me sometime soon).